I remember when I was much younger and I’d be watching reruns of the Dick Van Dyke show or another one of the older sitcoms. It would come time for them (a married couple) to go to bed and you’d see them sleeping in separate beds. At the time, it was something we all laughed at. A relic of a bygone era that thought showing any couple, even a married couple, in the same bed was going to be somehow offensive to viewers. (Oh how times have changed!) But according to a new sleep survey, they may have been onto something. And this survey has coined the term “sleep divorce.” Couples stay married, but they end up sleeping in other beds. And it’s not just because one spouse snores, it’s for a wide variety of reasons.
And one stat that sticks out is how it affects the sexes. Men are twice as likely to move to another bed than women. That may be old fashioned chivalry (“you stay here, dear, I’ll move to the spare bed/couch…”). Which we all thought left us at the time of the Dick Van Dyke show.
First, Name the Actual Fight
There are four distinct issues that cause a sleep divorce. And they are as follows:
- Temperature: This is the Goldilocks problem. One spouse thinks their mattress is too cold, the other thinks it’s too hot. And they can’t make it work with their current mattress
- Firmness: One spouse wants their bed to be like falling into a billowy cloud. While the other is like a monk who wants to sleep on a stiff slab.
- Motion and Movement: If one spouse tosses while they sleep, the mattress they’re on makes the other one go flying across the room. OK, maybe that’s an exaggeration. But the issue is movement. When one person moves, the other feels it…a lot.
- Differing Schedules: One person goes to sleep at 9pm. The other at midnight. And every time the latter sleeper goes to bed it wakes the other one up.
The problem with all these problems is there’s not one solution. Each issue requires a specific mattress to solve it. So let’s dig in.
“We have these societally prescribed beliefs that people hold on to very rigidly, and such stigma attached to sleeping apart.”
— Wendy Troxel, PhD, senior behavioral scientist at RAND and author of Sharing the Covers: Every Couple’s Guide to Better Sleep
Best for Temperature Wars (And Technically Not a Mattress): Eight Sleep Pod
Overview: Temperature wars may be the biggest cause of sleep divorces. Because it’s so hard to make everyone happy when someone’s shivering and the other person is sweating like crazy. The Eight Sleep Pod can help fix that. The one difference is that this isn’t a mattress. But (when you see below) it is basically priced as a mattress. You just put it over your current mattress and each side gets to choose how hot or cold they want it.
And the range is kind of staggering. It can go from 55 degrees to 110! And it can adjust itself through the night depending on your sleep stage so you’re always optimized. It tracks your heart rate and other vitals, and it has a fun little setting where it can gently wake you with a soft vibration instead of a blaring alarm. It is truly a unique solution to an age-old problem.
Pricing: This is where you may want to wince. The Pod typically runs anywhere from $2,799 to $2,999 (depending on if there are sales.) But that’s not all. It also requires an “Autopilot” subscription that is anywhere from $199-$399 per year. Yeah, that adds up. But if temperature is a big problem, and you have the budget, this is the best solution on the market.
Best for the Restless Partner: Tuft & Needle
Overview: Did you marry someone who feels like a professional wrestler, jumping off the top rope of the ring every time they get into bed? And not just the first time, also when they get up to go to the 3am bathroom break? It may not be your partner’s fault. It could be your mattress. Foam mattresses traditionally are better for movement than coils and springs. The physics behind it is that coils are all connected and any movement travels along the connected coils. Foam helps vibrations die faster. The difference with the Tuft and Needle is that while most foam mattresses feel like quicksand, T&N springs back. Which is nice. And the movement dies about six inches from your partner’s body.
Price: This is where Tuft and Needle wins. The queen sized bed runs anywhere from $521-$695, depending on what kind of sales you can find. So this is actually cheaper than the Eight Sleep and it’s a whole mattress. Plus there’s no subscription here. So this is the most cost-effective option on this list. The only downside is that while it is a great mattress for the restless sleepers, it is a pretty standard/basic mattress in other aspects.
- T&N Original Mattress on Amazon — the same mattress-in-a-box, Prime-shipped
Best for Firmness Disagreements: A Split-Firmness Bed
Overview: Firmness is probably the most specific problem couples have. Somehow it feels more black and white than temperature or movement. One likes hard (we’ll call them the plank person). The other likes soft (we’ll call them the marshmallow person.) How do we fix this? Well, a couple brands have heard this problem enough to come out with options for this sleep divorce. Both PlushBeds and Sleep Number have options for this issue. And it does exactly what you think it does. Each is basically two different mattresses side by side and zipped up together in one mattress package. The one difference between the two brands (and this is a big difference) is the flexibility. For PlushBeds you pick your degree of hard or softness when you buy it. With Sleep Number you can make each side harder or softer whenever you want via a remote control.
Price: They are roughly priced the same. PlushBeds queens will retail for $2,999 but it seems like you can always find them on some sort of 50% off sale. Sleep Number queens are usually in that same range of $1,400-$1,600. So why would you opt for the one that doesn’t have the flexibility? It comes down to durability. Sleep Number has a lot of pumps and chambers that have a higher likelihood of breaking down. PlushBeds is a slab of latex that has nothing to break. If you know your firmness, opt for the latex. If you like to change your firmness whenever you want, go for the Sleep Number.
Best Middle-Ground Hybrid: WinkBeds
Overview: Do you fall into the category of couples that have multiple issues that can cause a sleep divorce? Remember our Goldilocks analogy at the top? If you don’t have any extreme issues, but minor inconveniences here and there, then go for something that shoots right down the middle when it comes to firmness and movement. The most important thing to know here is what the hybrid mattress is made of. Look for pocketed coil hybrid. It means each coil is wrapped in a fabric sleeve so the movement is isolated pretty well. And then add in the WinkBeds “Luxury Firm” top and you’ve got something that isn’t quicksand and not a plank. Right down the middle.
Price: The WinkBeds queen lists for $2,570 but can usually be found on sale for about $1,800. Ironically, this is right in the middle of the Tuft and Needle and Eight Sleep Pod prices. Hybrid til the very end. This one has a 120-night trial period and a lifetime warranty, too.
The Nuclear Option: Two Beds, One Frame
Overview: If you want to go a bit DIY, then you can buy two separate twin XL beds and push them together. Sounds pretty analog, but it can work if you both know exactly what you want. Note: this only works for firmness and movement. Not so much for hot and cold. It works because it’s basically two beds, but no one has to storm off in the middle of the night to go sleep on the pullout sofa.
Price: Basically whatever you want. The range here can be so wide, but you just need to do some research and buy whichever ones the person likes the best. If one of you wants something fancy and luxurious and the other doesn’t have super strong feelings, you can go that route. Or you can both get fancy, or both get the cheapest option.
“Often, the way that couples finally start to problem-solve together effectively is to think less about [a sleep divorce] as being all-or-nothing or forever.”
— Wendy Troxel, PhD, senior behavioral scientist at RAND and author of Sharing the Covers: Every Couple’s Guide to Better Sleep
The Cheap Fixes to Try First
Overview: There’s a few cheaper options you may want to try before you shell out a couple thousand dollars. But the downside here is that if you end up going with a new mattress it means you’ve shelled out a couple thousand dollars and a couple hundred with these options. In short, you can get two duvets (usually called the Scandinavian method.) This can help the hot/cold war where one person has a lighter cover and the other person can get a heavier/warmer one. Same with the firmness issue. You can lay a topper on just one side of the bed, so the soft person gets a little extra softness while the plank person keeps their firmness.
The Bottom Line
So what’s your nightly fight? One thing to remember is that most of these mattresses have about a 100-night test trial. I think the reason they do this is because the idea of packing a mattress back up and shipping it back sounds like the biggest pain in the you-know-what, I can think of. Also, who keeps their old mattress? So even if you don’t like it, what are you going to sleep on while you get another one. Unless you’re one of those people that just moves from one mattress warranty to the next where you’re living in a constant state of mattress returns and deliveries…please don’t be that person. Anyway, I’m digressing. Hope this list helps you both get the best night’s sleep you’ve had in years…together!
“What’s really important as a couple is to preserve and ritualize that critical time you spend together in bed before either of you falls asleep.”
— Wendy Troxel, PhD, senior behavioral scientist at RAND and author of Sharing the Covers: Every Couple’s Guide to Better Sleep
Joseph has been writing and editing for a wide variety of publications over the last decade. He loves covering news in the health and wellness space and has written extensively about all aspects of wellness for a wide range of publications.
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